email draft 8 Nov (unsent)
hi,
i was thinking about calling you last night.. i kinda felt bad about that last call i made to you.
having said that, i make no apologies.. it was an instinctive reflex reaction to your email, without really thinking about it, and that's just the way it is.
i've been on this emotional roller coaster. some days have been good, and others, i just pine for you like crazy.
it's funny how, even till now, i keep asking myself, what could i have done to make us work, and my answer is, compromise. i actually still have space left to give in to you.
i wonder if you even realise what i've changed and compromised for you.
1. the fact that you're not entirely out to your parents
2. that i will never be accepted into your family and that i will never be able to interact with them like i wish i could.
3. that you asked me to be less emotional - this one is/was tough, cos this was actually asking for me to change an integral part of me
4. your alone time.
im sure there are others, but these are the key matters i gave in to you, that i'm not sure i would usually.
for whatever reason, some part of me does still blame myself for not trying hard enough; despite knowing all that i've done for you, and i dont regret it. because that's just how i am, because i love you. you know that.
i went for a session with sheni earlier this week, and she asked me what your reason for calling us off is.
and my answer was, 'actually i'm not really sure. i think it's because she's tired of my emotional outbursts, and she thinks i have a vendetta against one of her friends when it truly isn't. but she's made up her mind, and i can't do anything. she chose the wrong regina to keep in her life, that's all i know.'
deep down, i think at some point in our relationship, i did know that maybe we weren't quite right for each other.
- you don't want children
- you don't agree with the institution of marriage;
- you view relationships very, very, VERY differently from me
but i kept pushing on, because i loved you, and i will do everything in my power to change things; love conquers all.
i dont know how you came to your decision. perhaps giving some part of yourself to me, by way of compromise, is unimaginable to you. maybe in your past relationship, you did that, and vowed never again, and so i was the unfortunate person to receive this non-compromise. well que sera sera.
i will always be thankful that you came into my life. you have taught me more than you can imagine, and introduced me to such a different way of looking at things.
you're the only person who's ever said called me sayang, and tell me that you adore me.
i will never get to cook for you again.
i will never watch sherlock or the bake off or any tv with you again.
i will never receive anymore of your handmade soap.
i will never be your person to support you again.
i will never be your person to encourage you when you feel like you're failing.
i will never watch you compete in bjj, how i longed for that.
i will never travel with you again.
we talked about doing so many things together, and we'll never be able to do all that.
i guess we just weren't meant to be.
do you remember how we started out being friends?
we met on pinksofa, then communicated via sms. i gave you concert tickets, but you never stuck around to say hello. we never met, and soon 'forgot' you. until 2 years later our friend brought us together, and ironically this friend also attributed to our demise.
i once knew and believed that our relationship was a balanced one. but i think towards the end, i was giving more than you were willing to give.
you keep saying you're sorry for ending us, but you know baby, love means never having to say you're sorry.
i dont know if we can ever be friends again. we'll just have to wait and see.
