i've been doing this thing, where im telling everyone that i havnt been thinking about you.
that right now, i want absolutely nothing to do with you.
that you havnt the slightest bit crossed my mind.
these are all lies.
well... not entirely.
id say, number of thoughts are at least 70% less than a month ago.
but then i wonder if i verbally say all that, repeating my 'current thoughts' from person to person; as if to trick myself into thinking im no longer in love with you. just to reinforce and drill into my head that which can and never will be.
i do wonder how you are.
i do wonder if your psych sessions are doing you any good.
i wonder what your mom was doing at wholefoods. (iv since hidden her feeds)
every time i walk home, anytime i'm by myself, there're all these images in my head. memories from what we did before. how you used to look at me. how you used to want to be with me.
i wonder, but force myself not to bother.
i think, yet suppress any actions i want to take.
sheer will and force to not (appearing to) care about you.
i worry about november.
i fear november.
so really. what is all this im feeling?
am i still in love with you? i dont know.
how is it that on the one hand i truly and honestly dont want to have anything to do with you. on the other hand, i keep having flashbacks and all these goddamn memories.
when will this brain blaster come?
