the day we got together and the day you decided to let me go.
the number 18 is the bane of my existence now.
if lame random quizzes start asking 'what's your least favourite number', as opposed to 'what's your lucky/favourite number'; i'd have an answer.
although come to think of it.. you probably did me a favour... it's 1 less number to dislike.
alot has happened in 2months. i was dumped not just by an (ex) lover, but also a good friend.
it must be a record to have been dumped twice in 2 months.
twice by (supposedly) polyamorous people who dont give a rat's ass when they've dumped you.
in that same amount of time however, i've learnt who my friends are, who i can count on for better or for worse, those who put up with me complete with constant repetitiveness and fullon annoyance regardless.
to be honest, im not sure where my head currently is re: breakup.
it still bothers me when i imagine you with someone else (which you probably are already), when i think about why you dont wonder about me, why you dont seem to care, or when thoughts about how things were handled at the end come flowing back...
admittedly, these thoughts lessen as the days go by.. (i hope im not speaking too soon.. it is friday, and i am activity-less); and even if i do think, it doesnt irk me as much as it used to.
a young wise person told me not to worry about where i am, or how i should be feeling, and just let reactions be - "stop trying to pick everything apart with arbitrary rules and constantly seeking confirmation and validation"
ivan asked the other night, if referring to you as my ex has sunken in yet..
it's an odd question this.. cos it's not like i aksed for it. i was kinda forced to label you that way.
i do say things like 'my ex and i did such and such', with some stomach tumbles 5min later, but i suppose that's normal...
2 months on, i know i still cannot handle knowing anything about you. i dont want to (yet). i cannot. it still hurts. (how do i tell you this? im curious to know how you are, at the same time i dont. it's a strange confliction)
im still not at a point where i can be happy for you without hurting - without being reminded that you were an idiot and i didnt deserve to be treated that way.
i just want to forgive you and let it all go.
i long for that day to come.
will i be ready come november? who knows. only time will tell i suppose...
there's lots to look forward to in melbourne.
ivan, yvonne, arlen, bob, yokie, fountain gate, savers @ dandenong.
i.cannot.wait.
i need underwear and cheap clothes.
