received email from yan, 29 October, the evening before she left for tokyo:
I received your parcel today. I was hoping you'd keep the things I gave you - the cardholder and the Singa the Lion tee especially. You liked them so much. Is the Batman tee new??
How have you been? I know you wish to cut off all ties with me but I couldn't help it. If you don't reply, that's ok too I guess.
I realise I came across as cold and callous that night at the park. I'm sorry. It was a very difficult decision for me to make. I love you and miss you very much. I couldn't find a scenario in which we could be happy, without the constant fighting.
Please know that my feelings for you were and are genuine. Please don't think of our relationship badly, if you can. The past year's experiences are very meaningful to me.
I would love to hear from you again. If not, I wish you well, and I wish you love. I also hope you and your mother find a house you like. And that the kitties are happy and healthy.
reflex response: called and told her off. stop contacting me. i thought you had enough sense not to contact me when i asked you to.
in hindsight, perhaps it was a brash and stupid move, and i can't undo it. but there's not much point in reliving that 2 minutes.
also replied with an sms post call
"i love you too, but you really need to leave me alone so i can get over you. you made the stupid decision to end things. so don't make it harder for me than it already is please. i hate that even though iv deleted you from my phone, i can still remember your number that i can dangerously contact you whenever. hate it. have a safe trip. good luck with life and your future decisions."
email response written 30 Oct (unsent)
i read your email whilst at dinner with charmaine and tracy. i was doing and recovering well, and should've known better than to allow your email to get to me. i had to leave the dinner table to cry. and then to call you.
i did like those things. however, i honestly don't need a constant reminder of you, telling me that my love for you isn't enough.
the batman tee is indeed new, it was meant to be a part of your 30 presents, which i completely forgot about, so i kept it and was gonna give it to you as a christmas present. i guess christmas came early this year for you.
i dont doubt your feelings for me. i never did, and never will. i know what we had was real, that the last year was more than great. i also know what could've been.
i am of the belief that all problems can always be worked out, no matter the difficulty. it's what love is about. fights are supposed to make couples stronger, and understand each other better. suffice to say, you don't see things that way.
the whistle puzzle thing is the best imagery of our relationship.
you couldn't get the parts to fit, and never finished it. it did take awhile.... and the parts fit, perfectly.
you give up when things are 'too hard'. in my mind, no matter how hard, things can work out. with time, with effort, with determination, with positivity.
you were/are so blinded by all your negativity, that no matter how hard i tried to remain positive, no matter how i tried to convince you, your negation overrode everything good. i cannot fight a wall of negativity.
you know how i deal with things, with relationships, with life. i give everything my all.
i gave you my all. all my love, all of me.
on the reverse, when you reject and choose to end things, you will also lose everything of me. you don't get anything of me. nothing.
and that's something you'll have to deal with; which im sure should be a piece of cake for you, seeing as how that's your mantra - doing things and living life individually, no one can burst that bubble that is you.
i won't think badly of our relationship. how can i possibly? all the memories i have are good ones.
however, it will be awhile before i can fully forgive you for prematurely ending our relationship.
i don't think you properly gave us a chance. instead you took the easy way out and quit on us.
you took something that meant the world to me, away from me, because you are concerned only with your own well being; holed up in your own world, responsible only for you yourself and you.
i have bawled my eyes out enough for you now. no more. you're not worth my tears, i have to constantly remind myself.
you were lucky to have me, but now you've lost someone really good for/to you, and that's the choice you made. you'll have to live with the repercussions.
a little too dramatic? perhaps. but you see, you can't have everything you want. you can't dump someone then say i still love you and expect us to be chummy. doesn't work that way. at least, not now. maybe in a few months, a few years. maybe never. everything is so, so surreal.
